Selfish
by TheCookieMonster77
Summary: Lily may have many virtues but selflessness wasn't one of them. But maybe that's what made her so special.


Selfish

Summary: Lily may have many virtues but selflessness wasn't one of them. But maybe that's what made her so special.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

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She was selfish.

Most people didn't see it. She seemed selfless enough. After all, what selfish person offers to help people struggling with homework? What selfish person was usually willing to compromise? What selfish person would devote herself so fully to a deadly cause?

People didn't notice that when she offered her help, the receiver of said help had to adjust to her schedule. And if they couldn't work with hers, they clearly didn't need the help that much. They didn't realize that she knew she wasn't going to be able to win all her battles. Why do you think she compromised with so often? She may not win, but she sure as hell wasn't walking away empty handed. They never realized that though she may dislike the reasons why there was a war and she most definitely hated that people were dying, but she wouldn't have worked nearly as hard and fought as much as she did if those purist bastards weren't trying to kill people like her, and as the war dragged on and she became more active, specifically her. And while she may sacrifice some things, she wasn't a fucking martyr with a hero complex. No, that role could go to someone else, thank you very much.

She was selfish and she knew it. She didn't like to share her friends, she didn't like to share her achievements, she didn't like having to devote so much of her life to a (in her own self-important opinion) ridiculous war. She wished she didn't have to grow up so quickly and she hated that those bastards stole away the magical fantasy aspect of the wizarding world. She's only had magic for less than half of her life but no one lets her marvel at it like her eleven year old self and she hates that. Heck, that's part of why she's such a vicious fighter in a duel.

She's a selfish person and when she doesn't get what she wants she personifies the redhead temper.

They asked why she stayed best friends with Severus Snape. Though she never gave them a definite reason as to why, they would often come up with their own reasons - reasons involving something about loyalty or trust or hope or some other ridiculous configuration of good virtues.

But really, it was selfishness.

Severus was her first connection with the magical world from her fairy tales and daydreams. He was the first to tell her how special she was, he was her first magical friend, he was with her on that first train ride when she got her first glimpse of Hogwarts-he was just so many firsts with her in the magical world that she'd be damned if she gave up and tainted those special memories without a fight. She was selfish and she refused to let go of her best friend even as he continued to push her away.

And when that dreaded, disgusting insult came out of his mouth that fateful day during their fifth year, Lily hated him. Oh, not for long, but she hated that he first connection would so cruelly rip himself away from her. She was selfish and possessive and she hated it when things - especially important things like her best friend - were ripped away from her. So excuse her for holding that grudge against Severus, she believed she was quite entitled to it.

Though the years passed and she did eventually cool off, she was still held that grudge against her former best friend because it still stung like hell every time she saw him. It didn't help that he had the gall to apologize to her and then turn around and continue to curse others. If he wanted her to forgive him, he had to work for it.

After all, she wasn't selfless enough to forgive and forget.

She hates that she has to share her husband with the war effort. He was _hers_ and while she grudgingly shared him with his friends (she's not dumb enough to try to tear them apart. And she does enjoy them hanging around with their antics, really), she be damned if she let the war take him away from her. Moody soon learned that he was _not_ allowed to schedule James for anything Order business on any important anniversary (a lesson that involved their wedding, a champagne bottle, and a very, very scary Lily).

She wishes all those late nights, staring at the clock and waiting for James to get back home was just the result of late night partying with Sirius. She wishes he didn't have to be a soldier. And if she was just the tiniest bit honest with herself, she wishes she could be out there with him, by his side and sharing the so called glory of battle.

She didn't like how Harry took up so much of her time or changed so much of her life. Oh, don't get her wrong, she loves him to death but could he please, _please_ just shut up for _one_ night so that she could get some much deserved rest. It's so bad, that she doesn't even feel guilty for making James look after him that one weekend while she went and got hammered with Mary.

After all, she deserved the break.

She was selfish and didn't like changing for others. She was selfish and didn't like giving people anything that was explicitly (and sometimes, not so explicitly) _hers_. She was selfish and didn't want to be the one giving up her life (or even bits of it) to or for anyone. Her life was bright, unlived, and _hers_ - she wasn't giving it up.

But when evil incardinate came knocking on her door that one fateful Halloween night, she gave up everything without a moment's hesitation. In that one final moment, the selfish woman became entirely selfless in less than a minute and it was all for her son.

And that my friends, is what makes Lily so special.


End file.
